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silberash5
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Name: Xan
Birthday: 2/9/1986
Interests: Paganism, Tae-kwon Do, reading, writing, apparently homework ( I take all the hard classes or just lots of them) and criticizing and opposing the government/the patriachy/societal pressures.
Expertise: ...I'll get back to you, I swear.
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
5/1/2003
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| Hey all,
So I went to the local BDSM munch this past weekend. I honestly didn't know there was one until someone I knew thought to mention it to me at the queer pride rally last week – for which I'm grateful. But – and this is a pretty huge but for me – I was disappointed by the people there. I don't know, but I expected them to be...less offensive?
Ok, so not all of them bothered me – only two actually. Two older men in a group of college age people. Like...forties older. And I'm not trying to be age discriminatory here, cause I've dated people in their thirties. But seriously, kind of creepy.
Anyhow, what bothered me was the talk – I mentioned I was vegan, and one of the dudes (we're gonna call him douche) said, “Oh, I'm sorry” in this tone – I HATE that tone. Like I'm some cute little girl who should be humored, not listened to. And then later they (douche and the other one) felt the need to bash veggie's for ten minutes, like going on and on with the same crap I put up with from other ill informed and strangely threatened members of the populace. And there were other things that raised my hackles – I don't remember what, cause that was three days ago, but I distinctly remember being uncomfortable.
But the group is apparently going to a dungeon in DC next month, which sounds really interesting – honestly, I'm starting to ache for sex play. Which you all totally don't need to know, so sorry if you're offended.
And after the munch was a drag show on campus, which I loved. I realized that I'm attracted to the drag queens though – like sexually. For some reason, their campy appropriation of femininity is hot to me in ways that women doing femininity isn't. I'm left wondering if that's problematic. Is it a sign of some blind spot in my assumptions I should face?
For example, do I not like fem on women because of a disdain for women? I mean, I don't think that's the case, but then I reflect on my friends and romantic partners, and it's hard to deny that most of them are men, with a handful of transwomen, and a very few biowomen. Do I not like fem on women because I find it to be cheap/tawdry/forced/vulgar/etc?
Or, and I think this more likely, do I not like fem on women because that is what I've spend my life protesting personally? I'm perceived as a woman, I grew up with people thinking of me as a woman, and my entire life I've had to fend off comments on my dress sense, or my boobs, or my weight, all in the name of me being a good woman. I've had to deal with people thinking I'm dumber than I am, that I'm weaker than I am, that I'm less competent than I am.
Am I really so...prosaic? To be so horribly influenced by my past in ways that aren't quite fair those around me?
X | | |
| Hey all, I forgot Ryan's birthday on Sunday – I'm not sure whether or not to be glad about this. See, his birthday, the 16th, is the same birthday a friend of mine here has, and I managed to not only overlook his birthday, but hers as well. I think I just went though the day resolutely ignoring the date, because I knew perfectly well what was coming last week, and only remembered again on Monday. I even talked about him on Saturday with a friend, and still didn't remember the day of. I mean, I guess it's better than having been depressed all of Sunday, but I think I would have remembered. I don't like the feeling he's starting to slip away – I don't really remember him as well as I did. A little over a year and I don't remember how his voice sounded. In five years will I remember how he made me feel? In ten or twenty? Will I even bother to remember him? And I know I can't live my life looking backwards, but dammit, I don't want to forget my best friend. I don't want to. And it's all still wrapped up in anger and pity and guilt, and I hate that too. I hate my best friend couldn't deal with life, and I hate I didn't do enough about it. I hate feeling like I could have helped him get through his (admittedly sucktastic) life, and I didn't, and he's dead. And I hate that I keep dwelling on this. I want to think about something else, something less damn depressing than this. I really just want my friend back.
Xan | | |
| Hey all,
It occurs to me that I should update on my recent festival at four quarters – it was FANTASTIC! And I never use exclamation points; I tend to think they're both overused and under appreciated. So yeah. It was drum and splash – it was almost exclusively about drumming for me. I woke up to drums, I went to sleep to drums, I danced to drums – a lot – and it made me reconnect with my spiritual side that had been going missing.
My religion tends towards being cerebral – study these runes, read these eddas, think about relearning German, figure this out and that out by investigating it in some book. It's very mind oriented; that's mostly because it's been very solitary of late. It's really hard to drum and dance at the same time for example; it's impossible to learn how to drum or dance from some book. These things are about community. And that's what I found myself in those first five days in July.
Four quarters found some amazing drummers – Sogbety Diomande, Diarra “Papa” Zoumanda, Moha Dosso, Hamidou (last name?), Jim Donovan, Kenyatta. The first four are from Cote d'Ivoire, in Africa (though they live in the US now), and they were so freaking amazing. I mean, all the teachers were, but those four really really impressed me. I wanted to spend more time listening to them actually, because they were so good it made my heart ache. And they said I was a pretty good dancer, so I have no complaints about being complimented.
I spent more time drumming that weekend than I ever had in my whole life – not hard, actually, since before the weekend I spent maybe a few hours drumming, ever. The drum of choice there is a djembe, which is a West African drum. And lucky for me, there is a group in state college that drums every week, so I can practice. Sadly, I couldn't afford a drum, but I'm saving up for next year – to the tune of like $400 or so. Which was double the price of my computer. I did get some poi though, so I have some new toys to play with.
And then the best parts were at night – the drums circles and performances. The drum circles all rocked like hell – the drummers were phenomenal. And the performances were even better. Sogbety, Papa, Moha, and Hamidou did some traditional dances from their villages, which I thought was so neat. Moha even did a stilt dance – which stills blows my mind.
All in all, I don't think I've ever been so relaxed. Or drummed out – I was hearing imaginary drums all Sunday night when I got back, and it was weird. But hearing nothing but drums for five days will do that I guess. No recorded music, nothing but drums, drums and more drums. I was ecstatic. I plan to go next year.
Xan | | |
| Hey all,
I guess you can't really get rid of your past, right? I mean unless you go into some witness protection program and get a new life, but even then you'd still know. I make these remarks because some things from my past are coming up and smacking me in the face, and I really hate it – ok some aspects of it.
It was pointed out to me last night that my dojang, my instructors and my tae kwon do friends all think I quit tae kwon do, being a black belt, being a martial artist. I didn't, or at least I didn't intend to. See, they all knew me as Alex, it's what my black belt says, and it's who they knew me as. And then sophomore year was awful, and it led to some massive upheavals in my life. I became a new person, with a new name and identity – and I changed, a lot. I suppose there are still elements of me that are still the same, but not very many. And my dojang, and my instructors, and my friends there never met the new me – I literally hadn't set foot in the dojang between, say, summer of 2006 and summer of 2009 for Jesse's test. Not because I stopped caring, but because I wasn't sure how to approach the situation.
I respect my instructors immensely, I care about their opinion, and I was so scared that they would reject me. I thought it would be easier if I just didn't have to deal with that change, with coming out. Except I love Jesse and Phil and the school and my instructors – a fact that thrust itself upon me at the test as I could barely keep tears of regret/loss/bereavement from sliding down my face. I missed the hell out of that place and those people. I loved being a black belt, taking classes, knowing that these people respected and supported me.
And now I have these two opposing ides of the argument - “what if I don't go back?” and “what if I do and they reject me?” Either one has drawbacks and pros, but, seriously, I'm not happy right now. I'm ok. I can honestly answer that question and say that, but I'm not happy. State College has little to offer me anymore; or maybe it's just that since I'm not happy I don't go find what it does have to offer. It's odd that the more not happy I am, the more I retreat into books, movies, solitary activities and the quiet. Which feeds the not happy cycle.
I just don't know if I could stand coming out and losing that community and the people in it. It would hurt so much. More than my parents rejecting me (hypothetically speaking at least, since they didn't reject me), more than when some other former friends rejected me (thanks a lot people, your friendship was strong enough to keep from telling me you though me a freak but not strong enough to, ya know, stay friends [and good riddance I say]), worse than former lovers feeling freaked out – cause, you know what? All of those people aren't both friends and mentors and family – but there's a bond in martial arts that, honestly, can't be touched. It's the same sort of bond I feel for people who follow the same religion I do – a deep understanding of something that someone holds so close to their heart. I never stopped living the tenets of tae kwon do, I never stopped being the person they helped me to become. Hell, in a lot of ways Xan is a direct evolution/progression of Alex becoming more focused/disciplined/courageous/strong/ethical/truthful/assertive/etc, with some extra cherries on top of being more open and more transgressive and radical. Minus the cherries, martial arts teaches all of that.
And I guess part of me is a little uncertain why they love me so much, if all they knew was Alex, and in a lot of ways she wasn't a very good person. And maybe this is Xan having the benefit of hindsight and the freedom to disassociate from those actions, but seriously? Alex was petty and insecure and clingy and so arrogant. Why would someone love that?
In any case, I can't even begin to address these issues in state college. My school, and friends and instructors are 200 miles away, huzzah, and I guess I have to go back and take care of things there before I can feel better about this. I have to tell Mr Cashatt I never quit, that I never stopped caring. And that the reason they haven't heard from me is cause I was scared of coming out. And hope for the best.
Xan | | |
| Hey all,
So last weekend, and this weekend have been really weird emotionally. Last weekend I went to my parents to see my friend test for his 5th degree black belt (which he got, yay Jesse!), and it was so good to see him. Seeing him made me realize how much I missed him. How much I've been missing in my life. Cause, here's the thing. Life in State College is really easy – get up, go to work, come back, hang out by myself or with other really laid back friends and game. Cook. Read a lot. But it doesn't make me feel alive and it doesn't challenge me. I'm coasting here, not making plans for my future, not figuring out what I want to do, and not having the close, intimate friendships I need (except for one person).
Seeing my friends last weekend, not just Jesse, but all of them, and being back at my dojang made me realize how emotionally numb I've been over the past year. I think part of it was Ryan dying, and the grieving process that was so much harder than it needed to be because I didn't have my closest friends with me. And June 12th, Friday, was the one year anniversary. And I feel now like I can get on with things, like I was taking a break from caring. And I want to care, I want to not be this shell of a person that I've been. I miss me.
You know what else I miss? Tae Kwon Do, not just the physical exertion and the patterns and the discipline and the enjoyment of the art itself, but the people. No less than 6 people asked me if I was coming back, like they really wanted me to come back. And I realized how much of a family that was to me in high school, how close I really got to those people. I miss that. And Jesse is a huge huge part of that – when I saw him and hugged him it was like being home. Last time I saw him was my 21st birthday, and he called me “my girl” (which I didn't mind coming from him) when he hugged me; and he's said that he's glad I'm his family before. And I feel so guilty for losing touch over the past few years. And yea, I love him, he knows that. I wanted to kiss him at the test. I don't know if he knows that part.
And my other friends – Jon, Ray, Rosy – it was good to see them. I feel like I've been ignoring them too, to the detriment of our relationships. Ray has been through so much in the past year or two and I feel like I should have been there though some or all of that. And I feel like we can't communicate like we used to, which bums me out. Jon's become so...jaded? Bitter? Cynical? And maybe he's always been that way and I didn't notice, but I don't think he was this extreme about it before. I'm worried about him. And Rosy had so much on her plate to worry about, money, jobs, finances – you know, the same thing probably most of the US populous is worrying about.
I just don't know what to do. I feel like some of the people who would have helped me a year ago probably think I'm crazy or something. I certainly haven't been myself in about a year. I'm starting to come out of that, but still...I'll figure it out. I suppose.
In other news, at the test, a lot of the other people there who knew me from before called me ma'am. In that environment it's a sign of respect, of their acknowledging that you've earned this title, that you've earned their respect. It's the first time anyone's called me that in that context since I came out, and I found that I didn't hate it. In fact, I was rather touched that they still acknowledge me that way. I mean, if I was going to go back I might ask to be called sir anyhow, but I didn't mind the ma'am. When people you admire, that you look up to and respect as artists and teachers and people, acknowledge that you are still a black belt and a fellow Tae Kwon Do artist and remember you – well, there is no bad in that.
And I also reverted to formality (except with Jesse and Phil, who I consider close friends) – Mr./Mrs./Ms. Fill-in-the-Blank, and sir and ma'am and the bowing – like I had just been there the week before. It felt natural; I guess it should after 6 or 7 years of it, even if it's been a long time since then. I dunno, it still felt like I belonged. I don't know what to do about that yet either.
Xan | | |
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